Tell me why I think about you
And tell me if you think about me
And tell me when you touch her
Is it really love or just another fantasy
And tell me does she make you laugh
And tell me does she make you move
And tell me does she get you
Take away your breath
Just tell me that it can't be true

There's these four walls,
I built them up.
Yeah, you tore right through them.
Now you're tearing me up.
I don't even know myself
from the face in the mirror.

Waves of you wash over me,
always tearing at my seems.
Trying to unravel me,
trying hard to find some means,
of destroying who I am,
and who I want to be, but
the more you try to change me,
the stronger I will be.

I thought that I could trust you,
that's why I let you in.
Why'd you have to do this?

Oh em gee. I'm on my cellular device.

blarg

days go by so fast now...
:(

I love talking on the phone with you. You should call me more often.

He Is We has done it again...

Wake up in the morning, it's not so bad.
I can taste you on my lips, and it makes me sad.
There's a part of me that just wants you back.
You're the one thing I want that I never did have.
That I never did have, oh no.

Fill me up, steam me up, hear me shout,
tip me over and pour me out.
Pour me out, on the concrete next to your feet.
Do I have to cry out, can you hear me?
Oh, just to be with you.

Oh gosh this bed it feels so cold.
My head was led by the lies you told.
But to this day my heart you stole.
In a bind, left behind, waiting for your call.

Fill me up, steam me up, hear me shout,
tip me over and pour me out.
Pour me out, on the concrete next to your feet.
Do I have to cry out, can you hear me?
Oh, just to be with you.

I will lay awake tonight,
and nothing here is feeling right.
So what's a girl to do?
With a mess like you.

Pour me out, on the concrete next to your feet.
Do I have to cry out, can you hear me?
Oh just to be.
Pour me out, on the concrete next to your feet.
Do I have to cry out, can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Do I have to cry, can you hear me?
Oh, just to be, just to be with you.
Oh, just to be with you.
Oh, just to be with you.

:((

So, what's a girl to do with a mess like you?

I pretty much had the greatest birthday ever.
And I'm so glad that he didn't forget about me,
because I was waiting for that text all day.
When I got it, I was so happy.
It's their two month anniversary.
Now you know why.

Ooops...

I really intended to write a Merry Christmas blog, but I forgot.

Anyway, IT'S MY BIRTHDAYYYYYY!
AND I'M FINALLY SIXTEEEEEEEEN!

Just sayin'.

Try telling him that...

you push me away,
i scream like a kid.
i don't want you to go,
i don't want things to change.

"She was about to dump him and she said I love you to him just to see what he said! She doesn't deserve him."

And of course, like the fool he is, he said I love you back. And now I don't know what to do. Or if I should tell him. I started crying when I read that text, because it just proves everything I've ever thought. This is the one instance where I don't want to be right, because the last thing I ever want to see is one of my closest friends hurt.

You can only push me so far, before I turn and walk away forever.

Waves of you wash over me,
always tearing at my seems.
Trying to unravel me,
trying to find some means.
Of destroying who I am,
and who I want to be, but
the more you try to change me,
the stronger I will be.

Today...

Well, today...was...better? It still kills me, but I'm learning to deal with it. I just try to push the pain to the back. It's not good, but eventually it'll just stop. I hope that it will, anyway.

I can't believe that Christmas is so soon. I'm so stoked for that, my birthday and New Years! Parrrrrrtay.
:D

I don't know how much longer I can pretend that everything's alright.

Life stops for no one,
Love is utterly blind,
Nothing's really worth it,
Except for Jesus Christ.

I'm Not Alright - Sanctus Real

Burn away the pride,
bring me to my weakness,
'til everything I hide behind is gone.
And when I'm open wide,
with nothing left to cling to,
only You are there to lead me on.
'Cause honestly I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright,
I'm broken inside,
broken inside.
And all I go through,
it leads me to You,
it leads me to You.

He Is We

http://www.purevolume.com/heiswe
They write my life story in their songs. They make me feel not so crazy. I love them for that.

Walls

There's these four walls,
I built them on up.
You tore right through them,
now you're tearing me up.

Your Love Is My Drug - KE$HA

Maybe I need some rehab
Or maybe just need some sleep
I got a sick obsession
I'm seeing it in my dreams
I'm looking down every alley
I'm making us desperate 'cause
I'm staying up all night hoping
Hitting my head against the wall

What you got boy is hard to find
I think about it all the time
I'm all strung out, my heart is fried
I just can't get you off my mind

Because your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love
I said your love your love your love is my drug
Your love your love your love

Oh Lord, help me get through this week.

Holes Inside - Joe Brooks

When all that you’ve tried, leaves nothing but holes inside,
It seems like you’re wired, to stay here held in time,
Cause nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing’s gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone astray.

But if you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cause sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me.

http://www.myspace.com/joebrooksmusic
His songs are inspiring, beautiful, and help me through so much.
You should check him out.

Hahah, so true.

I texted you three hours ago.
It's so nice to know,
that the best friend I knew
is turning into someone
so far away from who he was.
It's all because of her,
who I've learned to accept.
But when are you going to learn
that I won't put up with this?
That maybe I have a soul.
That maybe I love you.
That without you I'm not whole.

And now I have to be her friend, because it's either that or I'll never move on.

You aren't worth this pain inside
All this pain that I try to hide
Sooner or later it'll all unwind
And then I'm the only one left

Imagine.

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

...

I'm starting to realize that even if I told you, nothing would change. You obviously don't feel the same, and I need to accept that and move on. I can't say I'm glad you don't and probably will never know, but I can deal with that. Or at least I'll try.

I need you more than anything,
but you only search for her.
Pulling her from some ocean deep;
from where she'll never emerge.
She said she'll never love you,
so why are you wasting time?
These arms of mine are welcoming,
begging, please be mine.

Blame It On The Rain - He Is We

Does she look at you the way I do?
Try to understand the words you say,
and the way you move?
Does she get the same big rush,
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush?
Tell me am I crazy, or is this more then a crush?

Maybe I'm alone in this,
But I'd find peace in solitude knowing if
I had but just one kiss,
this whole room would be glowing.
We'd be glowing.

Blah.

Crappy, crappy weekend. Hopefully that's not foreshadowing a horrible week.

Say you're lonely one more time, and I'll shoot your foot. You kill me, kid.

Don't mind me...

I've been a complete and utter jerk to everyone around me lately.
I'm sorry.
I'm PMS'ing.

We drank the great lakes like cold lemonade.
And both got stomach aches sprawled out in the shade.
So bored to death you held your breath and I tried not to yawn.
You make my frown turn upside and now my worries are gone.

It's 11:11. And you know what I wish for? Not you this time, not anyone. I just wish that things would get back to normal.

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that half of my heart wont do
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
Half of my heart is the part of a man whose never truly loved anything

Well, well, well...

So, I'm bored and have nothing better to do with my time, so I'm just going to write this.

If you haven't noticed by my other blogs, life has been a bitch to me lately. I'd really like to stop complaining, but it only seems that every time I do, things just get worse. I'm losing myself, and I'm losing my best friends, and I haven't been taking it so well.

School still sucks. A lot, actually. Keeping my grades up is getting harder and harder to do, because I'm just starting not to care anymore. It's horrible, but I have no energy left to do anything else, and it's pissing me off. As my mom calls it, the sophomore blues. THIS YEAR SUCKS.

I've turned to writing more than anything lately. Poems are quickly becoming the only way I can get myself to calm down. Whether it's reading them or writing them myself. I've tried to start more stories on my site, but I just always get stuck. Poetry can be short and sweet, or it can be as long as you want it to be. I like that freedom.

I wish I had some more insightful words to say. Inspire someone or something, but sadly, I'm in too big of a rut myself to be thinking of anyone else. As horrible as that sounds, it's true. I've become a bitch, and I hate it.

I say the word just a whole flipping lot.

On a lighter note, my birthday is coming up. I can't wait to be sixteen. I'm sick of having to tell everyone that I'm fifteen. It just sounds so young.

OHAI

Hey December, it's nice of you to finally arrive.
I've missed you dearly.

You aren't worth this pain inside
All this pain that I try to hide
Sooner or later it'll all unwind
And then I'm the only one left

I don't feel like I can even talk to you anymore. It's just awkward, because you've got a girlfriend. I knew this would happen. That one day I would get shoved out of the picture, just like I always do, but I never thought with you that it would come so quickly. I just don't want you to get hurt, and I'm really afraid that she's going to destroy you. And if you've managed to shove me out completely, I won't take it lightly, and I won't be that shoulder to cry on, because I'm sick of being that person.

I still love you, though. I always will.

"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."

I love this book. So, so much.

Lord, I am so a fifteen year old. Hahah.

CAN HE REALLY NOT SEE?

I just don't know what to do anymore. What do I do? What...?

This week has been more than I could have asked for. Monday was sweet, Tuesday was amazing, Wednesday was lazy, yesterday was yummy, and now today I get to go spend time with my mom and sister.

But I miss Gatlinburg, and the ride back.

I've figured out what I'm afraid of. Why I keep putting this off.

Your reaction.

Thanksgiving.

My favorite holiday, quite possibly. There's nothing better than being with your friends, and feeling loved. But I miss my family. So much. I never see them anymore, I never even talk to them, not even my brother. I hate what distance can do. It just becomes worse on holidays like this.

People bitch about how much they hate Thanksgiving because they have nothing to be thankful for. People that I know are with their family, who live good lives. It pisses me off, honestly. JUST BE GLAD. I don't get to spend time with my family. I don't get to see them more than once a year, and even then I'm lucky if I see more than five of them. So please STFU, and be thankful that you're even alive. That is something to be extremely thankful for.

I'm thankful for my friends. They are my family. I love them more than anything in this world. I'm thankful for my Lord, who I would be nothing without. He gave me life, and he lets me take each breath, and I love Him for that. I'm thankful for my mom, who loves me; for my sister, who even though she would never admit it, loves me too. And I'm thankful for anyone who's ever shown me love, and comfort when I needed it. And I'm thankful for music.

It's true...

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

I wish this was easy. But it's not. It never is. Nothing is. It doesn't matter if you're fifteen or fifty. THIS is never, ever easy.

And I don't know what to do with myself anymore, because I don't know how to just act like you aren't my world. Like I haven't managed to get myself into this. Because I have.

Hope

It's different with you. It's different because I know you, and you know me. Better than we even know ourselves. I can be myself around you. You bring out my best. You're my best friend. And it's probably absolutely crazy that I'm even holding out the slightest bit of hope that this might actually happen one day, but it's the only thing worth it right now. So if that's what it takes, waiting, then that's exactly what I'll do.

I'm sitting here crying. I'm listening to a song...one that reminds me of you. And I need to get this out before it kills me. I just don't know how to.

This is the reason music is so important to me. When I find songs that make me break down and cry, it makes me feel not so crazy. That the person who wrote it knows exactly where I am, and they might not know it, but they help me get through every single day.

For the longest time I thought I'd lost the best of me
But I'll be damned if I quit now and that's for sure
All I ever wanted was for you to look at me
And know I'm all yours

Happy...

Happy is a feeling that I haven't felt in too long of a time. But you know what, that's going to change. I have no reason not to be happy. I was put on this earth by my Lord for a reason, and I need to start living my life.

There is always going to be something trying to tear me down, but with God I can do anything. Screw you Satan. Mess with me, and you're messing with my Father.

Gatlinburg couldn't be here at a better time. I'm ready to spend a weekend with God, and my best friends who really care about me. It's going to be amazing.

Who We Really Are - Kropp Circle

I'm wondering why I'm here,
and where you are.
Can you hear me,
or are we too far away?
From understanding
how it's supposed to be.
You belong to someone else,
and it's not okay with me.

In a perfect world we'd be together,
Holding hands would mean so much more.
I wish this feeling could last forever,
but inside tells me to go.

What am I running from?
Where am I going to?
What would you do if I walked away?
My reality, is actuality.
Let me go from your heart today.

IT'S LIKE THEY'VE BEEN STALKING ME OR SOMETHING.

This me dealing with myself. I'm not going to start shit. But I really need to tell you this.

You are a bitch. I pretend to be your friend, but I really don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. YOU'RE NEVER THERE FOR ME, and it took me damn long enough to figure out that you never will be. I don't need you. I have other friends who support me, who don't blow me off, who ACTUALLY CARE.

I don't hate you, but I'm done trying. I'm done with you. Go ahead, move. Then you can just forget about me, and I can go along on my merry way.

Why is it that we realize we love someone the second we can't have them?

I just don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I've known for a few months now that my mind was taking our friendship to the next level. Only, my body and voice were too afraid to tell you. Now, it's too late. You're with her, and every time I see you two together it kills me a little more inside. I want to run up to you and just blurt it all out. I couldn't do that even if my life depended on it now. You're happy with her, and I don't want to ever take that away. You are, in fact, my best friend before anything and everything else.

Just know that I'll always love you, and be here for you when you need me. And oh, if she even tries to hurt you, I'll pop a cap in her ass.

I love you best friend. No matter what, I'll always love you.

Best friends for life...or so we all thought.

This is something that I've gone through personally. Thankfully, I got some of my best friend back, but it's just never been the same. We're not "best" friends anymore. We rarely talk outside of school. I go over to her house like once a month, but still. We're friends, and I'm happy with that.

But when you've had a friend for eleven years, I just don't see how you deal with losing them. I don't understand how she could have just up and said that nothing could be done because that's how life goes. There is ALWAYS something that can be done. You don't give up on your best friend because that's how life goes.

Life depends on friendship, not the other way around.

Plain and simple.

The universe amazes me.
It's just so big, and makes me feel small.
I love that feeling. I'm weird, I know.
But seriously, I can't get enough of the night sky.
It's so beautiful.
I want a big fancy telescope,
and I want to live somewhere that's not all city lights.
Where I can see the sky that God has laid out.

So...

I like never blog anymore.

School has taken over my life.

Oh well. I can't really do anything about it. Guess I'll write when I can.

School is getting a little better. The homework is dying down, thank god, and my teachers are a lot nicer now that schools kind of in swing. Still, it feels like we've been in school for forever. It's only the third full week.

SCHOOL BLOWS.

So, I'm three days into school. I like three of my seven teachers, which is not a good thing. I already have a C in History, as if I don't hate it enough, and now, we have to sing a song about DUCT TAPE in choir.

F M L.

I miss you. It's just kind of hit me. I guess it was a long time ago, but I wonder if you ever miss me too. I miss riding bikes with you. I miss laughing with you. I miss playing video games, and going to Gibson Goodies just so we could get the rootbeer in the glass bottles and run around acting drunk with you. I miss everything about our friendship. And it's really sad that such close friends grew so far apart.

I'm always saying how I'm not looking for that special someone.
That doesn't mean that I don't want someone to barge right in.

Why would anybody want to fall in love?
My hands get sweaty and I trip up all my words.
I'm telling bad jokes and I swear I'm getting on my own nerves.
Why would anybody want to fall in love?
I can't help it, I can't help it.
I can't help it when I'm with you.

Well, it's been a while. A LONG while. I don't know. I just haven't remembered or been on near as much as I used to be. Which is exactly what I was aiming to do.

This summer has been pretty slow for me. Basically it sucked until like the last week of July, and since then it's been amazing.

Church camp at Seneca was more that I could have asked for. It just connected me with God on so many levels, and I'm realizing that anything I'm going through, I'm going through for a reason, and that I just need to trust Him.

I never did get to see The Cab, which was a huge bummer to me. It really just kind of put me in bad spirits, but seeing my brother and nephew made it a little bit better. I know it sounds bad, but I really regret not going. And I don't ever tend to regret. We went up to Massachusetts instead. I really did enjoy seeing my brother, and it sucks that it's probably going to be another year before I see him again.

I just got back from South Point, Ohio, which is where Steph, my old babysitter, lives. I missed those goofballs she calls kids so much, but I can only take so much of three little kids.

Maybe I'll start updating this more often. It just depends.

I declare today, as the best day ever.

So, my dad called me at like two today.
"Hey, I just got off the phone with your mom...about that Cab concert."
*I scream* "ANNNNNNND????!!!!!!?"
"You're going, because I'm taking you."
*Screams some more*
So I'm going! The tickets are already bought, and I couldn't be happier.

Well then, Mom gets home and she asks what we want for dinner.
"How about Chinese?" I say.
"Sure! I'll call and order!"
So then I'm like REALLY REALLY happy.

Sheri's been talking to someone who was at the Idol tour and she called.
"Matt's really close to us! Here, I'll put you on speaker."
So I'm like screaming like a little fan girl, and he finally gets close enough, and Ryanne says "Say hi to Jessie!"
And I hear, "Hey Jessie, waddup, it's Matt!"
*I scream...really loud...into the phone*
"Wish you could be here!"
So yeah, Matt Giraud from American Idol said hi to me over the phone.

THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

So, I pretty much got a blow to the chest today. My mom's thinking about not letting me go to The Cab concert. It's just something that I've been looking forward to since May, and I haven't gotten a complete answer out of her. I asked her today, and she said no. I pretty much silently lost and and cried my eyes out in my room. (Yeah, yeah. I'm weird like that.)

Now she's trying to convince me to let her go with me. I'm also kind of sad that she doesn't trust me enough to go to a concert with one of my friends without an adult.

I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. I'm hoping and praying that she'll let me go. I don't think she knows how much seeing them, and possibly meeting them would mean to me.

as i sit and stare at the ceiling
wishing you were mine at last
i just can't help but have this feeling
i don't want to be part of your past

baby, can you tell me what time it is?
i say it's half past time you gave me a chance
don't be afraid of what people say, alright?
it's only you, me and these stars tonight

i know they talk and don't approve
they say i'm not the one for you
only you can make that move
prove them wrong and just be true

baby, can you tell me what time it is?
i say it's half past time you gave me a chance
don't be afraid of what people say, alright?
it's only you, me and these stars tonight

i've fallen for you, what else can i do?
i'm head over heals, headed for these waters

baby, can you tell me what time it is?
i say it's half past time you gave me a chance
don't be afraid of what people say, alright?
it's only you, me and these stars tonight
baby, we could fly

A SONG, A SONG, A SONG! I haven't been able to write a song in so long. I feel so much better. Thoughts, opinions, title ideas? Comment me.

5.

So I guess the rules to this are, you pick five people, you never say their names, but you write in honesty what you'd want to say to them in a random order? Who knows, but here goes.

1. I write lame songs about you in the middle of the night. You're on my mind 24/7. Your smile is the most beautiful thing on this earth. It bothers me that you won't give me the time of day, but yet I still go after you. I hope you'll be my friend, if not anything else. That would mean the world to me.

2. We never talk anymore. I still love you dearly, but it's like every conversation seems so forced. I wish I could crush whatever is keeping us apart, but even I can't figure it out.

3. I'm so glad we're friends. Even best friends. If I dare say that. I love that I can come to you for anything and you'll always put a smile on my face. I just wish that I didn't have to lose a friend to gain one. I still love you.

4. You're my best friend, but ever since then...we haven't been the same. I just miss the crazy, loud, off the chain best friends we used to be. It's getting there, but I don't know what's making it so hard for me to drop it. You're my favorite person in this world, and I just wish none of that stupid stuff would have ever happened.

5. It's hard to deny feelings for you. You're my best friend. Yes, you crawl under my skin, but there's a spark that's always there. You're the first guy I've ever been completely confident around. I love you for accepting me for who I am. I love our friendship to pieces, and I love you.

Haha. I'm totally wearing a "him" outfit today. Made me smile.

Besides that, today was wonderful.

Oh, who am I kidding? Not my heart.

As of July 3, 2009...I have my permit. Yay! Driving is so fun, but it also scares the crap out of me. I feel so good, but at the same time I go into panic mode, because I feel like I could crash or lose control at any second. It's new for me, and I'm not sure if I like it quite yet.

This weekend was an amazing one. Even though it rained on Saturday for six straight hours, we all still found ways to have fun. Four-wheeling in the pouring rain was probably the highlight, since our plans of slip 'n' sliding got ruined, haha. The fireworks were kind of lame, but hey, our towns lucky to even have them.

Now it's back to being bored all week. Oh well, church camp is in like two weeks. It's gonn' be fun!

I know you say that you don't like me, but those looks you give me keep me alive. I know that my friends bother you, but I like the fact that they give me a reason to talk to you. I know that I stare too much, but I think you're beautiful...inside and out. I know you say that I'm too young, but I wish you would give me a chance.

There's a part of me that hopes someday you will, but until then, I need to move on.

Late night at the park.

I spent the night with Fletch last night. We went to the park at like 9:30, and played baseball. Then, Matt got the brilliant idea to walk to Kroger and get a slip 'n' slide. Haha, it was great. Unfortunately, I couldn't go on it because we would have gotten in trouble by Fletch's dad. Still, it was fun to just watch.

Oh, and Happy Birthday Alex Marshall. You're my inspiration.

Now you're rounding up your army,

turning all your troops on me.
Telling lies just to feel happy,
but I won't retaliate.

I love Hocking Hills. It just makes you realize how beautiful this earth really is. It makes you put down your material things, and it makes you feel small. But it's a kind of small that's just amazing.

This picture is my favorite. We were standing like three feet from the ledge of this place. It just didn't even look real. Nothing was moving and it seemed like there was some backdrop in front of us. Being there was amazing. Especially with Fletcher along. We even met some cute boys, haha. (; I will never outgrow camping. It's just too fun.

I just read Alex DeLeon's blog. It makes me think. About everything. About how I'm going to grow up one day, and hit a rut. I'm going to feel lost, I'm going to feel alone, but that's just life. As long as I'm surrounded by people I love and people who inspire me, I'll be okay.

What I think he doesn't realize is how much he inspires all of us. All of his fans. His story, his life, his dream. It's all an inspiration, to me at least. It makes me think about how badly I want to chase my dream. No matter how impossible it may seem right now, it's just something I want to do. I want to sing, and play piano, and play guitar in front of screaming fans. I know that sounds crazy, but I can't see myself doing anything else. It's my dream.

Alex DeLeon, you inspire me.

This week has been so fun. I finally got to hang out with Fletcher, for the first time in what feels like forever. I spent the night at her house and we rode our bikes into town. We tanned too, even though it was pretty cloudy. It's just something we've always done, haha. Then she spent the night at my house because her mom had to go to Kentucky. I missed it, a lot.

I'm going up to my dad's tomorrow, well later today. I always have fun in Cincinnati, so this weekend should be pretty awesome.

I just can't wait until Tuesday. New Jonas CD! :D

Another day of nothing. My any chance of doing anything was ruined because of my best friends dad. Oh well, I still get to go over to her mom's house tomorrow, so at least that's something.

I hate the fact that I'm doing what I said I wouldn't do. Which is spend everyday inside. And other than Katie's party, that's all I've done.

I guess it's nice to know that I can keep myself up for 36 hours on only three hours of sleep. Not that I'm very sure that will ever benefit me...ever. Haha.

I'm seriously awake, but know the second I go lay down in my bed I'll be out. So I think that's what I'm planning to do. Because I realllllly want to sleep. Like badly.

Well, three days of summer and it's been raining. Ugh. Oh well. Tomorrow, I'm going over to Katie's house, and we're having a burn party. HANNAH'S COMING HOME! And she doesn't know that all of us will be over there when she gets there. It's gonna be amazing.

Whitney's party on Monday was amazing. Really kicked off summer for me. But since it's rained all day, everyday since, it hasn't been very fun.

I'm still determined to make this the best summer ever. I won't give that up easily.

SUMMER.

I thought I was going to cry today. I don't know why, but it just hit me two minutes before the bell rang that my freshman year was over. It's unreal how fast this year went. It feels like we should only be about halfway through the school year. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer. All I know is that I don't want to spend a single day inside.

Partyin' it up tonight. Can't wait! Haha.

TWO DAYS.

I really don't think I'm gonna make it, lmao. SUMMER IS TWO DAYS AWAY. Well, two SCHOOL days away. Just tomorrow and Monday. What's gay is that today was supposed to be our last day, but we went over on our snow days. Those snow days were oh so worth it though, haha.

Exams have started. I thought today was going to drag, but it actually went a lot quicker than I thought. It probably helped that I had all of my easy class exams today. Gym and History tomorrow, and then on the last day, Math and English. I'm super happy that I get to spend the last two hours of my freshman year in Wallingford's class. It's gonna be awesome.

D:

My Yahoo Messanger is being an epic faliure. IT WON'T LOG ON. >:/

This weekend has been the best weekend ever. That's not exaggerating one single bit. I've just gotten to relax outside, and not worry about anything. I love all of the people there, so it just makes it so much better. I just feel such at home out there. It's the greatest feeling in the world.

(:

Taylor Swift writes my life story in her songs, haha. I'm kind of obsessed with I'd Lie right now. The sad thing is...I can replace all of the words to fit him. Haha.

It's friday, so I'm refusing to let anything put me in a bad mood. Tomorrow we're going to the Thompson's, and me and Sheri might get to camp over there by ourselfs until Sunday. Pretty excited about that.

I don't even want to think about all of the homework my teachers threw in my face today. I don't know when I'm even gonna have the time to do it, but it's all due on Tuesday when we go back. Then it's two days of normal classes and Thursday starts exams, which are the only bad part about high school. I'm real nervous about my History and Science ones. More than my other ones. Then we go home for the weekend, and come back for one more day. Which, may I add, we have to take more exams on. I'm kind of pissed about that. Then SUMMER! Which I'm way more than ready for.

i hope you know...

You're still my best friend. Even if I'm not yours. Because if you aren't my best friend, then I don't have some one else. I don't have an alternative.

And I don't know exactly what I'm going to do without you just yet, but I guess I should start hatching a plan.

I wish you knew that you were hurting me. And I hope I'm not hurting you. But I don't have the guts to tell you any of this, because I don't think I can stand to have another fight with you.

seven days without you.

That last post wasn't so great. I've just been in a not so great/really good at times mood. I feel so bi-polar. Hahaha. Sometimes, I'm known to over-react. Most of the time I find it necessary. The situation really hasn't changed. I have a feeling that this summer might be a lonley one for me.

On a happier note. I'm smart, haha. I, along with about fifty to sixty other students got inducted into Phi Delta Sigma. I can't tell you all the details, simply because I really don't know all of the backgroud information, but this thing is for people with a 3.7 or higher GPA. I myself have a 3.8, and was only .2 away from having at 4.0. Stupid geometry. Haha.

I'm sick...again. What a surprise. I just got over walking pneumonia, and now have a small cold. My cough is back too. I wish my immune system was better, but it isn't.

wow.

i really don't matter to her anymore. it's really scary how two-faced someone can get.

100 THINGS.

1. Sing in front of a crowd.
2. Write a best-selling book.
3. Tell Nick Jonas how much of an inspiration he is to me.
4. Stop eating so much junk.
5. Meet someone who can see me for who I really am.
6. Travel to Italy.
7. Talk about piano with Alex Marshall.
8. Walk up to a complete stranger and tell them about Jesus Christ.
9. Get my friendships back.
10. Tell you how much you hurt me.
11. Recycle.
12. Take more pictures.
13. Walk on California ground.
14. Get married.
15. Get into a great college.
16. Be as amazing as Marshall on the piano.
17. Learn how to play drums and guitar.
18. Stop hiding behind my hair.
19. Be famous for something.
20. Live my life for Jesus Christ.
21. Meet The Cab.
22. Give blood.
23. See the Olympics.
24. Learn how to dance.
25. Stop falling for the wrong guy.
26. Write a song about you, then tell sing it for you.
27. Inspire someone.
28. Start a concert ticket fund, then one summer go to as many concerts as I can.
29. Go to Bamboozle.
30. Meet the Jonas Brothers.
31. Ask the people who hate me, why?
32. Befriend someone who's my total opposite.
33. Stop being so judgemental, out loud and in my head.
34. Finish a fanfic, which I've only done three times. Out of the 20 I've written.
35. Find something that I really love, and never let go.
36. Try shrimp.
37. Fall in love.
38. Be a good friend to someone who needs one.
39. Write a song, music, lyrics, everything, all by myself.
40. Never eat goat cheese ravioli again. Next time get a steak.
41. See something on Broadway.
42. Be more organized.
43. Keep my room clean.
44. Get my nails professionally done, and see if it's really any better than how I do my own.
45. Not freak out if I we're ever to meet someone famous.
46. Cry.
47. Never dye my hair, until it starts to turn gray.
48. Watch a game from on top of the Green Monster at Fenway.
49. Meet Jacoby Ellsbury.
50. Have fans, one day.
51. Win something off the radio.
52. Pay more attention to the details.
53. Make something that I can say was made 100% by me.
54. Stop being so self-conscious.
55. Learn how to use Photoshop.
56. Attend something that will make it into the history books.
57. Talk more.
58. Don't care about what others think/say about me.
59. Always be a fun person, even when I'm 96.
60. Get a legit pair or white Ray-Bans.
61. Become good at a sport. Even if it's ping-pong.
62. Take the road less traveled.
63. Hike up a mountain.
64. Be bold.
65. Take a dare.
66. Make a best friend for life.
67. Be in the audience of a live show.
68. Compete in a triathlon.
69. Not care if I win or lose.
70. Stay healthy for longer than a few months.
71. Stay up for 24 hours, just to see what it feels like.
72. Embrace my looks.
73. Fall asleep under the stars.
74. Spend more time with my brother.
75. Spoil my nephew when I'm older.
76. Buy something, then give it away to someone who needs it.
77. Go outside everyday this summer.
78. Find something that I won't ever want to lose.
79. Tell my friends how much they mean to me.
80. Stop back-talking.
81. Never not love.
82. Paint a picture.
83. Donate money to CFTC.
84. Get a tattoo.
85. Wear what I like, regardless of if it's "in style" or not.
86. Walk into a record label and hand them a demo cd.
87. Get back into piano lessons.
88. Bump into someone famous on the streets.
89. Make time for the important things.
90. Don't hold grudges.
91. Stop cussing completely.
92. Get something really special for my mom or dad.
93. Ride my bike more.
94. Come back to this town after I move away.
95. Say the word "legit" more.
96. Get a song written about me.
97. Be myself.
98. Stop saying sorry so much.
99. Live to this age.
100. Live a Jonas life forever.

i'm bold as love.

I've been hurt. Like, I don't know. I'm kind of left best friendless. And I'm jealous, and I'm mad, and I'm sad, and upset, and everything but happy right now. I shouldn't be any of those things. I know I'll always have a best friend in God, but right now, I need a best friend in person. I need a best friend that will eat ice cream with me when my heart is broken, who will act like a fool with me running through the streets at 2am. But my best friend has a new best friend, and I'm starting to realize that the worlds going to move on and people are going to leave me behind without them. I just never thought it would happen with us.

We said best friends forever. I guess I just never expected forever to be so short.

I WANT.

So I really want this necklace. Like REAL bad. It's beautiful. And designed by the totally gorgeous and talented...ALEX MARSHALL...who I love. Hahaha!

AWWW!

Like my cute little birdy layout? I think it's adorable, haha. I didn't even know you could find things like this for Blogger, but now I do.

Today was great. Possibly the best Friday of my life. I think it was basically the fact that Sheri, Courtney, Fletch and I were being total goofs in choir today and Mr. Beck just kind of lets us goof off. It was seriously hilarious. There wasn't a moment that one of us wasn't laughing.

I also have sharpie all over my arms now, due to the creation of freckle buddies. Aha, it's so funny how all of our inside jokes started in choir, even last year. I miss everyone being in there. Though I do love the fact that there's only four of us alto's and we totally pull it off. Makes you feel like you can really do something. Especially when Mr. Beck says that he wouldn't trade you even for the HONOR CHOIR alto section. That's when you know you're good. Kinda sucks that the sopranos are still his favorite. Oh well.

Still...great, great day.

this blows.

i hate headaches. and this bright white screen isn't helping.

i still miss my best friend. i should be over this, but everything is just making it worse.

is it bad that i'm praying for myself? haha, i need it.

i've been in no mood.

I just never feel like being online anymore. It's fun, but it's just getting old. If you want to follow me, do it on twitter.

twitter.com/jessie_b

I'm tired, I need a shower, and I need sleep.

TPOBAW.

And I told Michelle that I was a kid and did not need an exercise machine, but I hope she was having a good night. That’s when Michelle hung up on me. And I didn’t mind a bit.

That was probably my favorite part of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It made me smile. That whole book made me smile. I'm reading it again, just because I love it so much.

i can't ever think of titles.

Today was horrible. I don't even know what made it so horrible, it just sucked. I wasn't really happy at all, which is weird because I'm normally always happy. It just threw me off a bit. The fact that Idol is on later cheers me up a bit. DANNYGOKEYFTW!<3 I love him.

I don't really know what else to say, but I'm in a typing mood, so I might just ramble on about stuff.

I've been hungry ALL the time lately, and I hate it. Makes me wonder with all the leg and back pains I've had on top of that if I'm finally growing my last few inches. I don't want to be done growing. Not that I need anymore at five foot seven, but I don't know. I don't want to be done.

SANCTUS REAL = AWESOME SAUCE...still. (((((: That's really all I've been listening to. I like the fact that I've found some music that still honors God that I'm really in love with and can relate too. It brings me joy.

Well, I have to go do some chores and stuff, before my mom gets home. So I might write later, I don't know.

something heavenly.

Time to face up, clean this old house.
Time to breathe in and let everything out,
that I've wanted to say for so many years.
Time to to release all my held back tears.
Whatever you're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos, but I believe,
You're up to something bigger than me.
Larger than life something heavenly.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) - Sanctus Real


This song means so much to me, on a higher level than anyone could ever reach.

JUNE 15th!

OMGOSHOMGOSHOMGOSH! NEW JONAS ALBUM; JUNE 15.

i'm kind of freaking out. (((((:

73°

it's nice and warm here, and i love it. to death.

school is so tiring...

I hate being so tired. It's like no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still just as exhausted when I wake up, still exhausted all through school, and then even MORE exhausted when I get home.

My school library is so dumb, aha. Every time I go in there to look for a book, it's either not there, or it's there, but some weird-o decided to move it from where it's supposed to be.

Youth yesterday was awesome. Since Mike and Michelle are gone in Florida, we got to do the study things by ourselves, and just kind of chilled. We play leap the brook too! Which I haven't played in like a zillion years, haha. (((:


My heart can see You better than my eyes, cause it's love that paints the portrait of Your life. The face of love, the face of love, You look more like love everyday.

another sleepless week...

i can just feel it.
and i hate it.

we need each other.

Oh, oh, we need each other,
So what's the fighting for.
Oh, oh, we need each other,
Please don't close the door.
Oh, oh, we need each other,
Through all the highs and lows.
Oh, oh, we need each other,
Cause no one's meant to be alone.

<3

Sanctus Real. I'm in love with their music, and their lyrics, and their love for God.

YEC.

that was THEE most amazing night ever. who knew that 6 and a half hours could go by so fast.

the speaker was amazing. he talked about the death of Jesus, and how we can all be trapped by religon, and good deeds that we think that's all we need to be saved. it was amazing to see how he affected so many people, and to see how many people got saved.

AND...the bands! WOW! rush of fools was amazing. SANCTUS REAL IS LIKE MY NEW FAVORITE. they were just amazing, and it's unreal how much music can move you. especially music about Jesus Christ.

it was so funny though because caroline was waving her glasses around and they took them and put them on! they she got to go up on stage and introduce the lead singer! we got to meet them afterward though, so i got the braclet i bought signed. we would have met rush of fools too, but the line was like a mile long for their table. which i though was a little crazy, because the line for sanctus was tiny!

we left the nutter and walked through the drive through at taco bell, haha. then we went back to the church and just chilled. played some sardines, some pool and air hockey, just talked. i love my youth group. (:

let's seeeeeee...

i'm stealing the 50 things idea from emily, who stole it from elise, who stole it from mitchell davis. haha. (these aren't in any particular order, except for about the first three)

1. Jesus
2. singing, piano, music
3. youth group
4. nail polish
5. Jonas Brothers
6. staying up late
7. writing
8. Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr
9. laying in the grass
10. long car rides
11. my puppies, Maggie and Maxwell.
12. curling up with a good book
13. thunderstorms
14. Heroes
15. green converse (Nick Jonas shoes!)
16. skinny jeans
17. Kristen Nicole Fletcher
18. KATIE BREWER!!!!
19. Zach Webber
20. American Idol
21. staring at the stars
22. Myspace
23. Kira, Emily, everyone i've met through Myspace.
24. Massachusetts, representin'! haha.
25. Sheri, the best twin sister ever.
26. Keith, the best brother ever.
27. Mom
28. Dad
29. CSI: NY
30. 11:11
31. flip-flops
32. baseball, baseball, baseball!
33. plaid
34. the ocean
35. boogeyboarding
36. knee-high socks
37. Glen Echo Lake
38. Trenton, the cutest nephew ever.
39. blogging
40. zune products
41. riding my bike
42. SLEEP
43. texting
44. drawing on fogged up windows
45. school; mostly enligsh
46. peanut butter crackers
47. peace, love, happiness
48. 2 Corinthians 12:10
49. Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus
50. being myself

i've run out of books to read.

i've seriously read like every book on my bookshelf. i don't know what to do, haha. if it's warm enough tomorrow, i might walk to the library or something.

i'm seriously thinking about trying to pull an all nighter, but it probably won't happen.

Life.

"Life" is the time God gives you to determine how you want to spend eternity.

Choose to spend it with Him.

if only

it seems you're my mind,
it seems you're my thoughts,
it seems you're my life,
it seems that you've bought,

a way into my heart,
nobody's every had such an effect on me
you make my stomach turn to knots,
and my heart seems to flutter away,
if only i could ask you to stay

it's been almost a year,
that i've known you,
i can't seem to gather up the courage,
and tell you that you've found

a way into my heart,
nobody's every had such an effect on me
you make my stomach turn to knots,
and my heart seems to flutter away,
if only i could ask you to stay

and be mine,
til the end of time
that day may never come,
so until the day does come
i guess

you'll just be a figment of my heart,
only i'll feel the feelings,
and only my stomachs in knots
my heart will want to fly away,
if only i could ask you to stay

B-O-R-E-D.

it sucks. really, being bored is about the worst feeling ever, because your going crazy on the inside, but have nothing to do on the outside. so this is what i'm choosing to do on the outside, because i'm in a typing mood again! yay! haha, wow, someone knocked something over in the kitchen. taylor swift makes amazing music. i singing white horse...KARAOKE STYLE! not to be cokcy or rude to taylor, but i think i sing it better. LMAO. just kidddding. but i think i do sound pretty good. is that weird to say? or think? i mean i know i'm good but i guess it's kind of concieted to like annouce it somewhere. oh well. me and my best friend are probably going to sing white horse for variety show. AHHHH! nerve wracking. i'm not good with crowds. you know what other song i really like by her? fifteen. BECAUSE I AM FIFTEEN! wooooh. haha. only, i'm fifteen and i've never had someone say i love you to me. that doesn't really bother me though. i don't want the heartache that comes with that just yet. i'm just going to make this one big paragraph, because it's kind of already to late to think about spliting it. welllllllllll, i'm bored with this now. i'm going to go find something else to do.

VOA Park.

4 words: kites are freaking awesome.

i won't take long.

i'm too exhausted to write much, but i'm worried. i'm worried about my best friend because i can't get a hold of her. she should be in florida, but i don't even know if she got her phone back. i don't even know if she's in florida. she's been having a bad week, and that's made me have a bad week, because when she's not happy, i might as well be unhappy too. i've been praying for her like crazy, and i hope she feels better and that guys stop being such buttholes. i swear, i'm going to kick some boo-tay if one more person hurts her like they keep doing.

spring break is finally here, but the weather and situations have got me pretty down in the dumps. i'm up at my dad's until tuesday, so at least i have something to do other that sit at home while my mom would be at work.

it's supposed to snow on monday. gosh, the weather here is so bi-polar. i'm darn sick of it. it's SPRING BREAK. winter break is over with.

i've been thinking a lot about what i want to do with my future. i know i want to be a writer, but when you look at how many fields there are just in writing, i'm right back to where i was...not knowing what i want to do. i think i want to write my own books, or i want to be an editor, that way i can just sit and read all day. that would be like my dream job. i just want to do something that i love. i guess i'll just have to let my dreams develop over the next three years. maybe then i'll have decided.

so, i just suddenly got into a typing mood, and i'm actually like not messing up while i'm typing, and that's like my favorite, hahaha. i don't know what else to talk about.

school has been really frustrating lately. there's just so much stuff to focus on that's not necessary. especially math which has been giving me major problems.

on a good note, i made chorliers for next year. i auditioned yesterday. not that there was any chance of me not making it, but it was still nerve wracking. the only thing that sucks is that we lost almost all of the guys, and now we're down to like four. it's depressing how much one teacher can make you want to quit doing music. i've decided not to let him get to me. music means too much to my dear little heart.

well, sorry about the total lie i told in the title, hahaha. i guess i'll leave it at that.

FREAKINGOUTRIGHTNOW!

AHHHHHHHHHH! THE JONAS BROTHERS CALLED ME! one of my friends mom is down in texas and met denise. so she told her about me and how huge of a fan i was, and they called mee!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dude, it was the bes thing ever! AHHHHHH! i can't get over it!















....APRIL FOOOOOOLS. hahahahaha.
i hope i got at least someone with that.
xD

well, i have a horendous headace, so i think i'm gonna get off the computer.
happy april fools day! :D

HOLYCOW.

i can't believe march is almost over. this year has gone by entirely too fast.

ahhhh.

four short days until spring break. seems just a little too long. the sucky part is that i'm not doing anything until friday of next week, but friday will most definitely be the highlight of my week. anything that involves my youth group, laser tag, and and overnighter where no one sleeps is ALWAYS fun.

haha, well i just finished my homework, and part of sheri's (since she's computer stupid) and now i want to go read, or pass out. either will be just fine.

(:

FML.

they just HAVVVVVVVVVVE to watch movies.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

left out.

i hate when sheri has friends over, because she always invites two, and then i'm never aloud to have anyone over. i swear my family hates me. PLUS...all they freaking do is talk, and talk...and TALK. it makes me want to shoot myself. i don't want to shoot myself that often either.

the jonas brothers are going to be playing all night as revenge. hey, it doesn't bother me. it's not my fault they all choose to hate good music.

sugarpiehunnybunch♥

YOU KNOW THAT I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU!
haha, i have that stuck in my head.

mannnn, i'm so hyper, and happy. i'm just happy about life. i'm happy with who i am. i'm happy with where i'm headed. all that matters is that follow God with all i am. i know that by doing that i'll be sucessful in whatever i do. i know that He'll keep an eye on me, and shelter me through the bad times. i know that i can talk to Him whenever i need to. i know that He's there, and always will be as long as i need him. it makes me happy.

(:

MYSPACE.

i think myspace wants me to kill it. first they change everything to the point where is messes up my internet and i can't do anything without having to refresh my page a zillion times, and now they're blocking blogspot links. I AM GOING TO SHOOT TOM IN THE FACE.

D':

sanctuary.

eh, today was rough. no particular reason, it was just too long. way too long. music has really been a sanctuary for me. it's kept me going a lot more than it used too. i want to get back into piano lessons. i miss learning about my favorite instrument, i miss practicing, and i really want to be able to play more than i do. it's almost torture.

i can't wait for the hannah montana movie. haha, i'm such a disney nerd. i seriously can't though. i love all of the songs in it, and though it's kind of obvious who she's gonna choose, it still looks really good.

so i'm sick...again. i swear, if i get sick one more time, i might shoot something, aha.

i should probably get some sleep so for now i'm going to go chill in my room. night.

i used to be a little bit shy,
i kept my deepest feelings inside.
speaking up to you about my,
emotions has always been hard.
but this just can't wait.
tonight i feel a little bit brave.
so i won't let one more day,
pass me by without you
explaining what we are.

the thing is...

when i think about you, i don't picture your face. i picture who i know you are. i replay our conversations, and i love how sweet and gentleman-like you are. that makes me think that you're something worth going after. it makes me think that maybe i shouldn't give up so easily. this time, it's my heart talking, and i can honestly say that that's never happened with anyone but you.

give me a chance?

my heart beat, beats me senselessly.
whys everything gotta be so intense with me?
i'm trying to handle all this unpredictability.
in all probability, it's a long shot, but i say why not?
if i say forget it, i know that i'll regret it.
it's a long shot, just to beat these odds.
the chance is we won't make it,
but I know if i don't take it there's no chance.
cause you're the best i've got.


kelly clarkson writes my life stories.

say wha, say whaaaa?!

i'm thinking about going to bed. i always seem to catch up on my sleep on fridays. i'm so screwed when i have a boyfriend that wants to go on friday night dates, cause i won't make it through them. lmao.

i really want to see adventureland, i love you man, and knowing. and i probably have enough movie coupons to see them all.

if you want a book to read check out warrior heir, by someone who i forgot their name. it's reallllly good! seriously.

my eyes feels like a blood vessel just popped, so i'm gonna end this random, sporadic post and go to bed. (:

i like you a little bit...

is that weird?

(:

my hearts in two, and i can't find the other half.

i don't know what to talk about tonight, but i felt the need to post something. don't know why.

this might be it, because really i don't have much to say.

i miss my best friend. i never get to spend time with her anymore. it's really getting to me.

i also can't even explain where my heart is at. at the moment it's going in about a zillion different directions, and i'm not sure if any of them are the way to go.

i officially have a car...

that i can't drive yet. BAHA. my mom and me went out and she bought a new car for herslef (a hyundai sonata), so NOW i get the saturn. well technically both me and sheri get the saturn. we don't have to say that though, haha.

the reason i can't drive it yet is pretty obvious. i haven't even gotten my permit yet, but i'll have it this summer. so THEN, i can drive the saturn.

i'm actually kind of nervous, because that car is on the verge of break-down. :O kind of scary. but oh well. i still have a car! WOOH!

D':

have you ever been in a place where your best friend ditches you because she thinks you've found a new best friend, but that new best friend that you found isn't really your best friend because she has a best friend of her own, and ever since then your first best friend isn't the same around you, because she's found a new best friend, and it seems that she doesn't care about you anymore because it seems like she's trying to get revenge for you not being her best friend, even though you still are and always will be her best friend?

it isn't much fun at all.

My heart fluttered as I walked down the hallway. 5..4..3..2..1. My eyes laid sight on the most beautiful boy in the world, it seemed. This was a daily thing for me. As I walked out of my 2nd period home ec class, he walked out of his study hall. My eyes automatically shot up to his face. His eyes more specifically. Big light brown eyes, adorable blonde hair, framing his near perfect face. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it that no matter how many times I saw those beautiful brown eyes, they would probably never be mine to stare right into and say "I love you." No matter how much I wished they would be.

i've tried.

i've tried to give up on you. i've tried to grasp the concept of trying to be your friend. i've tried to stop thinking about you every second of the day.

and none of it is working. at all.

why do i even bother?

god forbid. i should have known that there's always someone that comes before me. so why do i even bother anymore? wait, then i wouldn't have a best friend. what a best friend you are anyway.

i remember when i basically lived at your house. OH WAIT, someone else lives there now. i remember when we used to walk together in the hallways. OH WAIT, you found someone else for that. i remember when a year ago, you said if you ever got a myspace, i'd always be your number one. OH WAIT, now i'm your number four.

what happened to us? what happened to the two crazy best friends. OH WAIT, you found someone else to be your best friend. thanks for shoving me out of the picture.

OH.

well, we went to large group contest on saturday. we got a 2, which is pretty good, but not good enough to go to state. it was a bummer, because i know we all worked really hard. oh well. what happens, happens.

well,

it's been a while. i guess i just haven't had much to say.

i finished brisingr today. HOLY CRAP, THE ENDING BLOWS! in a good way of course. haha. i just can't wait for the next, and last :(, one. like, you have no idea. i think i'm either going to re-read all of them, being eragon, eldest and brisingr, or i'm going to start one of the many books i bought over break.

school's going alright. i got all my grades back up to a's, except for in math. i don't know if i'll be able to get it back up either because the end of the quarter is next week. let's hope i can.

i don't know what else to say. i've been just fine, i hope you have been too. (:

blah, blah, blah.

sickness always picks the perfect time to hit me. if this is what my mom had, it's only going to get worse, and by the time saturday rolls around i'll probably be too sick to sing at contest. UGH.

i have a lot on my mind these days.

my grades are slipping, and you have NO idea how much it bothers me not to have a's. i never thought it would bother me, but now that it's happening, it bothers me so much. i've tried to get my geometry grade up, but i keep getting b's on tests. it's stupid mistakes i'm making too, which just makes it all the worse.

i've pretty much decided now what i want to do out of high school. i want to major in english and minor in music. honestly, those two things mean the world to me and i can't see myself doing anything else. i'm glad i can finally say that because i was lost on that path for much too long a time.

that's the reason i think i've been struggling in math. i know i have no use for it. i'm never going to have to use trigonometric ratios, or know how to identify and solve side lengths for special triangles. it's frustrating to have to focus on something you don't want to do so hard. plus all of this math and history and science that i have to do is leaving me no time to do the things i love such as writing or getting back into piano lessons again, and because of how crappy the economy is, my school is cutting classes. one of those classes might be creative writing, which really breaks my heart. i was looking forward to that class so much, because i finally have the prerequisite to take it, or i will by the end of the year. sucky time for the economy to go down the toilet.

i am so SICK of being sick. like really. it's been close to five weeks, and every time i get better i just get sick all over again. no medicine ever seems to work either.

we won't even get into my so called love life simply because it doesn't exist. i've decided to just give up on even trying to like someone, because it just always ends up with me wasting more of my life.

UGH. i feel better now that i got some of that out.

JONAS 3D

it was...amazing. it was spectacular. it was inspiring. joe took his shirt off, and i almost started crying, lmao. like really. i'm not the kind of person who would go see something like that and sing and dance along with the music. i didn't for the hannah montana one, but this one, i don't think there was one line i wasn't singing along too or clapping my hands with. those three boys have such and effect on me, and i'm glad it's them i have for role models and not anyone else that wouldn't be a good role model. they are a big part of who i've become and who i'm becoming, and i wouldn't like it any other way.

♥

latley.

so, i've been reading my bible more and more. i love how i can just flip to any page, and the answer to my problem is right there. it's incredible. i'm growing closer and closer with God, and i just love the feeling. i know i'll always have someone watching over me.

sleepy.

i need to go to sleep, but there's something that won't let me. i hate that i can never sleep even when i want to.

i don't really know what else to say, so i think i'm gonna go try and sleep. ugh.

wooh!

i'm on a wii, haha! and this is rather hard to type so this isn't going to be very long. anyway, i'm with fletcherrrrr, and i think she fell asleep, haha.

i want a wii now. these things are sweet! ♥

well...

i don't know. i'm confused, and i'm happy, but i'm sad, and just well confused. i don't like it so much.

oh no no no...

old feelings...GO AWAY! i don't want you here.
>:P

THAT BOY DRIVES ME NUTS. he's like a stinkin' rollercoaster, and i don't want to be on it anymore. it also doesn't help that i never know if he's just messing with my head, or if my head is messing with me. ARG.

wellllll, i went to the basketball game tonight. it was weird going to a tuesday game, cause now it feels like a friday, haha. freshman won, YAY! i never thought i would actually witness that. jv won, and i missed the big last second three-pointer that won it. and the varstiy kicked butt, as USUAL. i've also found if i don't get into the game, i'm really bored. so, i actually like watching basketball now.

♥

i'm just worried now.

i've been coughing for over a week now, and it just seems to get worse. i've been to the doctor's and they've given me like two different medicines, neither working that great. it's scaring me, and i don't like it. pray for me? i know i've been praying like no other for this to go away.

i really want to go to bed. i'm freaking exhausted, but sheri wants me to wait until she gets out of the shower, plus the stupid dog peed all over my bed and our room, so it reeks in there. ughh, it's gross.

we took these compatibility tests at school, and so it took the whole school and compared it with everyone. we just got the results back today, and dude, i have a bunch of creepers and nerds on mine. it made me laugh though, cause there's one kid on my list that i've though was pretty cute and sweet for a while now, and then another one that i would have never guessed but now that i think about it, that wouldn't be too bad either. otherwise, i totally got jipped, haha.

i love my parents. it's taken me a while to get past my "dude, you're ruining my life" phase, but now i've come to realize they really do love me, and just annoy me and get on my case because they love me.

MY FRIENDS, are finally becoming friends with each other. it's making me happy, and glad that they can finally get along. thank you lord.

well, i'm gonna go yell at sheri to go get out of the shower, cause i am butt-loving tired. night. ♥

doctors are always wrong with me.

like seriously, the last few times i've gone to the doctors they're always wrong. like i went for an eye irritation. they said it was pink eye, turns out it was just eye allergies. i went this time, and they think you automatically have chest congestion if you have a cough, well i don't. i think i would know if my chest was congested, it's ONLY my throat, and i keep telling them that. it's just irritated! i don't need mucinex d, cause it doesn't work. UGH. i just want this cough gone. hopefully the prescription stuff works. otherwise, i might just kill my throat, haha.

DANGGGG.

we're already starting scheduling for next year. high school isn't supposed to go this fast. ARG.

i seriously think that my doctor is on something, because this medicine hasn't worked at all. like i'm coughing worse now than i was without the medicine. i swear if they give me giant pills to take, i'm not doing it. i refuse.

new bands i'm into:
hey monday
the downtown fiction

CHECK THEM OUT. like seriously, amazingness on a stick is what that is. (;

♥

ugh, ugh, ugh.

i hate being sick with a dying passion. it's sucks beyond belief. i guess i should be glad that it's just bronchitis and not mono. i swear, our school is like a disease fest. once one person gets sick, EVERYONE gets sick. it's unavoidable.

well great. he's had some conversation on facebook with someone, and i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm a creepy stalker. i've been in panic mode since. whatever. it's about time that i got over him anyway. obviously it's not going to happen, or else it already would have. you know, this just makes me feel so much better. UGH.

i give up on being a teenager. it's too hectic, and tiring, and just STUPID sometimes.

You will always be there,

and i'll always know that. i know i haven't grown as close to You as i've wanted. i've been trying my best to crack down, but sometimes it just seems everything is in the way. next time, just run me into a wall and let me know You want to talk. (:

winter formal

was not as good as i'd have wished it to be. the music sucked, up until the last hour, everyone dances super slutty at our school, so it's no fun when random people come up to you and start grinding on you, and the ONE person i wanted to be there, never showed up. it pretty much killed me, because i actually had the guts to ask him to dance with me, and that will probably never happen again. plus, i'm not as over another certain someone as i thought i was, and seeing him everywhere i looked didn't help at all. so basically, i didn't have much fun for the first three hours, and then i just kind of got lost in the music, came-to that he wasn't coming, and danced my heart out. so, overall; somewhat enjoyable. i'm glad i went.

on other news. i'm as sick as a dog. my throat has been killing me, and i have an extremely weird cough, that i hate. my homework that's due tomorrow hasn't even been started. i've been eating sweedish fish, cookies, and drinking mt dew all day, and have a feeling that i'm going to have some stomach issues later. yay.

well yeah. i'm going to go start my outlines, and do my math. goooooodnight. ♥

blah, BLAH, blah.

i never feel like anything i put in these things are important. maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but i guess i'll still write them. it gives me something to do in this boring house.

well, winter formal is this saturday. i'm kind of nervous, and i don't really know why. i wasn't nervous for homecoming at all. it's frustrating. plus i have like three different friends that want me to do something with them, but they all pretty much hate each other, so i can't get them to do something together, with me. i don't know what to do, and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. i also don't know what i'm gonna wear for shoes, or jewelry, or if anyone can even do my hair. way to go jessie on this last minute planning.

i learned a new song on piano. it's thinking of you by katy perry. it's simply a beautiful song. something i would have never expected from her, but i love it anyway. plus, it's really fun to sing, because it's right in my range. speaking of piano, i desperatly need to get back into lessons. i really want to learn more, just minus the lessonbooks. those things should be against the law, really. i have this sudden urge to learn how to play guitar now too, but i don't know where or from who i could learn. i might try and teach myslef though, so wish me luck, haha.

i don't know what else to talk about. it's been a pretty long and boring week. that's gone by way to slow. and that's just never fun. but yay! tomorrow's friday, and i'll probably go to the basketball game. it's kind of tradition with our friends to go to a game beofre a school dance, cause there's always something going on. fun, fun. ♥

everyone skipped out on me.

so now i'm gonna be the only one feeling ridicoulous with my neon blue tights at the dance on saturday, which for some reason i'm nervous about. i think it's because i've been thinking about asking him to dance. i'm also worried that i'll look stupid, which almost never happens, so i'm thinking that's signaling NOT to wear the tights.

oh whatever. i'll figure this out later. i need to go to bed now. ♥

oh wow.

hello february. i didn't know you were already here. (:

i also just figured out earlier today that it was superbowl sunday, haha. but i really don't care. i just have one thing to say...GO CARDINALS! KICK SOME STEELER BUTT!

yeah, i'm glad someone told me though, BECAUSEEEE, that means that heroes is on tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! :DDDDDDDD i'm so excited, obviously. haha.

anyway, i have to go study and do my homework from monday, haha. i love snowdays. the only thing that sucks though is that now we have to go two extra days at the end of the year. booooooo. >:P

D':

I'm not welcome in my house right now. My annoying sister has her annoying friends over, and they talk SO MUCH. I want to shoot myself right now, because they're INSISTING on watching annoying movies all night long, in the living room, WHICH IS MY TURF. GET OFF MY LAWN! Haha, I won't say that again. WHY MAMMA MIA?!?!? WE JUST WATCHED IT LAST NIGHT, AND NOW WE HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN. Really, she could not get any more annoying.

I feel like bursting into tears, and I don't even know why. AND NO, I'M NOT PMS'ING, LMAO. Sorry, I just don't feel good at all, but I'm not tired, and I want to be on the computer, but they're interupting my peace. D':

Whatever.

well, it's been a few days.

and i haven't really blogged because...WE'VE HAD FOUR SNOW DAYS IN A ROW! haha. not that i'm rubbing it in or anything. (;

well, wednesday i went sledding for like the first time in a few years. let me just say this; i will never be too old to go sledding, not EVER.

i spent the night wednesday with the fletchness monster, and all day today with her. we went to wally-world and ate at generations. what a way to spend a snow day, haha. it was fun cause that's the first time we've really gotten to hang out, in what? a month. i missed it, lol.

TOMORROW; or technically today. i'm going to Wallahalla with KATIE BREWER!!!! and sheri, and hannah. and well, with a BUNCH of people. BUT, the best part is that we're going sledding before hand. it will be EPIC. (:

and now i think i'm going to get off to go read some brisingr. i haven't read all week. shame shame, haha. goodnight loves. ♥

snow is a wonderful thing.

thank you lord for all of this fluffy white goodness.

well, there's no school today, and i've been loving it. mommy's making cupcakes, i'm chillin' with my ramen noodles, and i finally have time to sit down and write. jessie is at peace. (:

so, i've been thinking about it, and i really need to spend more time in my bible, and with God. i just don't know how to at the moment. i've been thinkinfg about getting a daily devotion book, because honestly that would probably be the only thing that would keep me on track. i hate how forgetful i am.

well, yeah. that's it for now. i might go venture outside with some friends, haha. ♥

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

i got a 1 on my solo! which is like the best you can get! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :D
that made my day, haha.

haha, other than that my day was pretty boring, considering i had to go get my eyes examined. blahhhh, turns out that the reason i got so many headaches is because my eyes want to drift out instead of focusing in on the words, so it takes more effort to focus. they have to put prisms in my glasses, which i guess is pretty cool, lol. i'm just glad i don't have to wear them all the time. only when i'm studying or reading, or on the computer. OH WAIT, that is all the time, lmao.

anyway, it's kind of late, and i should probably get to bed. night. ♥

did it hurt, when you fell from heaven?

EEK, solo and ensemble is tomorrow. i'm nervous, but i'm more excited than anything. haha, yay! i'm excited, lol. ♥

wellllllllllllll

my life is boring. guys are just jerks, except for the one who i don't know how to get through to, or alone even talk to. i'm officially a nerd, but i like that, haha. i'd rather be smart than a ditz. i want to start piano again, i miss it too much. i have to get glasses again, booooooo. my nails were perfect, and then i had to go and mess up ONE. i'm too lazy to fix it.

i'm going to bed now. goodnight. ♥

save me the heartache, all i want is you.

you have this tendency,
to break my dreams,
to break my heart,
into a million little pieces.

and i know you're no good for me,
but all i see is you in my dreams,
and your face and your eyes,
i want them close to mine.
but you don't see,
everything that we could be.

i'm a little shy, that's no lie,
and i know that making talk is hard.
just look in my eyes, make a tie,
with my heart and there we would be.

you seem to mean everything,
and all i see is you in my dreams,
and your face and your eyes,
i want them close to mine.
but you don't see,
everything that we could be.

please don't go breaking my heart,
i don't want to have to pick up the pieces.
but you don't see that,

you mean everything to me,
and all i see is you in my dreams,
and your face and your eyes,
i want them close to mine.

i feel like balling my eyes out, but i'm trying to stay strong. GAH; i've never felt like this before and it's pushing me over my edge of comfort, and i honestly don't know what to do.

have you ever thought...

of the things we'll get to do in heaven? it's mind boggling actually. just the possibilitites. i want to sail through the universe, and meet the stars. i want to meet people i never got to meet on earth, like my grandmother and george washington. i want to sing all day and all night, just praising the lord. haha, heaven sounds fun. (:

school better be canceled.

it's too cold to even step outside, haha.

well, my day was pretty uneventful. the only good thing about it was the two hour delay and intervention with KATIE BREWER!!!! ahah, we've decided that we're going to take pictures everyday in that class, and upload a new one everyday.

so if you want to see the adventures of KATIE BREWER!!! and JESSIE BENSON!!! in Geggie's 5th period intervention, just go to either of our myspace's. i'm serious. it's gonna be sweet! hahaha. :D

HOLY POOP; the jonas brothers are having a live chat on sunday, but the website that it's on doesn't WORK on my STUPID computer. grrrrrr. haha.

so, i'm watching the news, and for some ungodly reason i just heard something about kevin youkilis getting traded to the cincinatti reds. i WILL shoot myself. seriously, the reds SUCK and watching boston games won't be the same without being able to yell YOUKKKKKKKKKKK at the tv -- THANK THE LORD! he's staying with boston. i'm a happy person.

welp, i'm about out of things to say. and well, now i am out of things to say. hehe. (:

jessie ♥

i'm sorry,

that all i ever do is bitch and moan in this blog, but it's really helpful for me and you can decide to read it or not. i know that only a few people do read this, but whatever. i'm sorry you have to see so much of my bad side. i'll try and write more positive things.

:P

why?

i get bitched at for spending time with other people, and now the person that bitched at me can't even make enough time for me. what the hell is this? I CAN'T DO THIS. i can't. it's breaking me down and making me feel like shit.

i'm sick of feeling like shit.

friendships; they can either make you, or break you.

my friendships are slowly slipping out of my hands.

one already has, and it feels like a lost cause trying to get it back. don't get me wrong, we both tried, but it's just awkward now.

one friendship is being stolen, and is barely hanging on. we still haven't recovered from the fist fight we've ever had.

i'm not sure if one's even real in the other person's mind, and i'm afraid to call her a best friend.

and one only survived because of fifth period, and now that that's gone, i'm not sure what's going to happen to it.

why does this have to be so hard?

this sucks.

the new semester started today, and i HATE my new schedule. like seriously, do they feel the need to change everything and fuck up our mind set, and when we see our friends.

i don't have any classes with katie or zach anymore, and gym first period just SUCKS. i'm horrible at gym, and there is NO ONE in there that i know or that i'm friends with. it's stupid. really really stupid. plus now i don't see someone anymore like at all.

well, there is once that i see the back of his head, and then once that he walks behind me, and one time that it get to see his face, but seriously. that makes me sad.

the only enjoyable part of the day now is math and english, and it's only because those are my two favorite teachers.

my english class got really big, and my math class only got a few new kids from the other classes.

ugh, it's just too weird. way too weird.

sleep isn't easy.

i'm so exhausted, and can't seem to sleep at night. i don't know why all of the sudden i can't sleep, but it's taking toll on me.

anyway; new episodes of scrubs start tonight. that should make me feel better. i'll probably go to bed right after that, and at least try and sleep. otherwise, i'll just lay awake like i have for the past two nights.

i don't know how i did on my exams today, just because i was so tired. my geometry one was really easy. i paid four dollars to use my book, and didn't even end up having to use it. REFUND?! no. i'm kind of pissed to because it was my own money. the english one was harder than i thought and i know i messed most of it up. oh well. that's one of my highest grades so it shouldn't hurt me too much.

well, i'm gonna go have dinner, watch some scrubs, take a shower, then go to bed. night. ♥

hey you.

i wanted to bring something up here that i'd like anyone who reads this to pray for. a little boy, i think he's like eight, at my old church named celeb has been diagnosed with cancer. there's a tumor in this hip and it's too big to operate on. they're going to try and shrink it with kemo, but we've gotten news that it's not going very well. so pray for him. thank you.

i think i'm starting to like you...

but i don't ever want to ruin the friendship we have,
not EVER.

english papers blow. i'm so not looking forward to going back to school on monday. i've thrown myself so off schedule that monday is going to be total hell. plus tuesday we have to take stupid exams, that are just...stupid.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

my resolution: to stop forgetting about this thing all the time, haha.

welllll, my new years eve was amazing. i had a party that was the absolute shit, other than the fact that fletcher wasn't there. we totally had a jellybean/pretzel/pencil/book war in my room. so now it's like covered with, well, those four things, lmao.

i don't know what to expect this year. i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but i sure hope it's good. i can sence that a lot of things are going to change.

happy 2009 everyone.
♥