so....

it's like four in the morning, and i can't sleep. i really want too, but it's just not happening.

i don't know if i seriously have something wrong with me, or if i just have too much shit on my mind.

it seems everything's gone down the drain latley. on top of that, i'm way undecided about an issue that hasn't ever stumped me before, and it's bugging the mother loving poop out of me.

and then on top of that, my best friend and my second family are going through hell. i wish i could make it better, but hey, i'm only some teenager. i just hope she knows i love her, and that i'll be there for her if she needs me.

is it possible to feel this shitty, but still be happy? i mean only in a way, but happy?

Sometimes I try to hide...

What I feel inside

And I turn around

You're with him now

I just can't figure it out

Tell me why

You're so hard to forget

Don't remind me

I'm not over it

Tell me why

I can't seem to face the truth

I'm just a little too not over you

Memories suppose to fade

What's wrong with my heart

Shake it off, let it go

Didn't think it would be this hard

Should be strong, moving on

But I see you

all i want for christmas...

is the boy of my dreamssssssssssssss.
<3

haha, jonas brothers re-lyriced to fit a girl. gotta love it.

well, nothing has progressed in my life. i'm just at this boring standstill that i wish would start moving. it's frustrating as hell, and i seriously don't know what to do.

life is to complicated, but i would be crazy to say i don't love it. (:

i probably won't write again until wednesday, just because i know something's bound to happen at youth, unless i end up going to that josh kids church. i would rather not, though i do want to meet him. haha, long story that i don't think someone would want me to post on a public blog. tehe.

i'm listening to WAR. 60's music is the shizzzzzzzzzz.

and now well i'm gonna go. night.
:D

grrrrr.

why do we have to grow apart from people?

i feel like i've lost one of my best friends, but it's just hitting me now, and they've been gone for a while. i feel horrible about it too, because i know that i may have let someone fall on their face without even thinking about it. or even caring, as bad as that sounds.

ugh.
:/

i feel like such a horrible person.

bleck.

i'm never gonna get to sleep tonight. it's the fact that i know i'm going to have to get up at eight thirty that's going to keep me up. why does my brain always have to mess with me? grrrr.

welllllll, since i'm here, i might as well tell you why i was so happy in my last blog. you know how i've been saying that this thing will never work, and that i don't want to forget. well, there's a slight chance again that it could work, and he's even been talking to me. like, it's nothing big talking, just the simple hello's in the hallway that make my heart beat faster and my knees go weak. yeah, i'm unfortunatly that crazy about him.

that's what scaring me. i know i can be my total self around him, but i still get so nervous. it's like every time i see his face, or his smile, and everytime he walks by me, or talks to me, my heart beat picks up, and i can't control it. i've never felt this way before. it doesn't matter how many times i see him, i don't think i'll ever get used to it.

i know this will make me sound like another one of those twilight geeks, but it's like bella when she's with edward. that's exactly how i feel.

it's strong, and it still could be hopeless. i don't want to believe that, because he makes me feel too good. i don't ever want to lose that feeling, ever.

finally.

everything's getting better. i'm happy again, and i love it.

it's been a week, i'm sorry i'm so horrible at keeping up with this thing. but hey, at least i write in it at all. i wonder who actually reads this. :P

so normally i would be on the bus right now, but we had a 2 hour early release today, yay!
though technically we only got out and hour and 40 minutes early. boooooo. haha.

i don't really know what else to say, other than that i'm happy i'm finally happy again.
:D

headaches and heroes.

i'm tired, and i think i might just go hop in the shower, and then hop into bed. even though i'll just end up reading until like 12:30 like i always do if i start. those twilight books are just too good.

HOLY SHIT. heroes (the tv show) is getting insanely amazing. like, i might shoot myself if i have to wait another week to see it.

it seems weeks go by fast though. time is flying and i can't even begin to believe the semesters almost over. i mean, didn't i just start highschool like 3 days ago?!?! haha. i don't want it to go this fast, it's too fun.

and then it was good.

my best friend has become my best friend again.

ugh.

there's too many things happening that souldn't be. it's making me crazy.

today has improved my mood though.
i got to see hannah! :DDD
and we discovered that me and kevin make a kickass bowling team, lmao.
XD

i thought you were my best friend.

i thought i could always count on you,
i thought i could trust you,
i thought we said nothing would ever come between us,
i thought all those times we spent together,
all those times we spent laughing our asses off,
and sitting on the porch swing until midnight,
belting songs in the car,
talking for hours about god knows what,
doing what two best friends do,
actually meant something.

if your willing to let whatever this is that's making you mad at me tear us apart, i guess i'll just have to deal with that. but i'll still love you like a sister forever, no matter what.

oh...that's right.

i was gonna say something else.

Wallahalla is pretty much my favorite place now, haha.

if you haven't been there, you're def. missing out.
:DDD

doggie, dog.

AHHHH! i found my doggie socks. they even have little tails, lmao! so, i want to watch elf, but heaven forbid sheri misses her dang pushing daisies. i am so glad there's no more seasons after this one.

it def. doesn't feel like wednesday, because yesterday felt like friday, and so i've been thinking today was saturday....but it's wednesday....not saturday. but tomorrow is thanksgiving, and i'm really excited about that. i love going over to the Grodkewicz's house, especially for thanksgiving. and there's bound to be spinich salad, mhmmmm. (:

i think i'm going to start writing again, but about what, i don't know yet. i've been brainstorming my ass off and nothing sounds good to me. :P

well, unless i feel like writing again, i'm gonna stop for now.

i'm pretty much slowly falling apart, and i hate it. i can't believe how obsessed i've become with him, and i don't know why i've become so attatched to the idea that this would ever work, because the sad fact is that it probably won't work, ever. no matter how bad i want it to. and i can't let it go, i don't WANT to let it go. i want to hold on to his smile and his voice, even though i know it's not doing me any good. it's how i'm programed, and i need to re-program before this becomes middle school all over again. and we all know how middle school went, exept for the jackass it was all about. i must be a jackass magnet or something. UGH. i'm going to bed. whatever.

i wish i could go back a few weeks.

i was so happy a few weeks ago, but now it's just gone downhill from there. i mean i'm still happy, just not the happy that made me feel so good; about everything.

i want it back; i really do.

just for myspace reasons.

jessie's what i'll most likely answer to, but call me anything really. i'm fourteen, a freshman at wilmington high school. a lot of people say i don't act my age. i guess it depends on the day and how much sugar i've managed to consume. i guess i can call myself a musician. i've been playing piano for four years, and i absolutely would die without it. my friends mean the world to me and so much more. if it's not piano that's keeping me alive, it's them. and you all know who you are. i try not to let other people get to me, because most of the time it's not worth the fight. i'm a pretty laid back person, but i do have my moments. to put it out there, i'm a baseball junkie, and i do yell at the tv when a game is on, well a red sox game anyway. if i'm not seen in converse, you'll see me in flip-flops. yes, i wear skinny jeans, no, i am not emo. i retard run and raid vending machines. acoustic music is my favorite. i love to write. i wish i could play the drums. i'm super shy around new people, but get to know me, and you've found a friend for life.

stupidstupidstupid.

i could say i don't like him that much anymore, but that would be a lie. i could say i was over him, but that would be like the biggest lie possible. and now, i've latched myself on and it's gonna be just like middle school all over again, where i wasted my life drooling over some jerk who didn't even like me, and is well, A JERK. why does this always happen to me. i fall so hard for the wrong people, and then i can't get over them for the love of anything.

maybe i can change his mind, maybe just maybe.

i just love...

how age has to ruin everything.

the ship has sailed and i'm definatly not with it.
and never really was.

maybe...

maybe it can start with a simple hello; we'll just have to wait and see.

OHOHOH!

homecoming was amazing.
just thought i'd go out on a limb and say that.
:D

and get this;
I DANCED.

i know, i know.
awkwarddddddddd.
XD

but no, seriously.
best night, like EVER.
(:

oopsssss.

guess what i forgot about again?! THIS.
ugh, its hard to remember, i guess i just haven't had anything to say latley.

school is just getting harder. but i'm happy with my a's. lmao. i'm also happy with the fact that i get off early thursday and friday off this week.

i'm also realy enjoying this insanly intense baseball game that's going down right now. red sox are tied with the rays, in the top o' the 11th. and it's 1:05 in the morning. WOOH. how i love baseball.

i'm gonna stay up to watch the rest of this, and then i'm off to crash. i'm sick of hearing cowbells from the tv.

tomorrow i have to go to some stupid sourcrout festival; YUCK. honestly, who likes rotten cabbage enough that they need a whole festival for it.
weird ohioans.
:P

-jessie

i'm feeling a lot better.

even though i was in tears last night, i'm better now.
MY ZUNE IS WORKING AGAIN!

it froze last night, and just about killed me. like i was bawling my eyes out. but, now it's back and charging! :D

so i'm watching csi: miami. EMAZING! haha, i missed it moday, because i had to watch heroes, another EMAZING show, haha. so i'm watching it now.
YAY! HERATIO IS ALIVE!
<3

alone inside.

i want to cry.

OOH; OOH!

demi's album comes out in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm SO excited.
:D

well nothing has really happened.

like at all.

haha, i really have to pee and i have to take a shower.
UGH; want to go to sleep.

night.
(:

ONE MORE THING.

happy sixteenth birthday nicholas jerry jonas.
i lovesssss you!
:D

dirty smiley.

:0 c=3

BAHAHAHAHA.
don't ask.

i officially have no life.

yeah, it sucks.

so my loser of a sister totally negleted me today and basically WOULDN'T let me hang out with her. whatafag. so i'm still pretty pissed at her.

school tomorrow. we're pretty much the only one's in southern ohio with school. NO FAIR.

well, it's bed time.
goodnight.
(: <-- not me.

million dollar underwear?!

YAY! no school tomorrow. i'm excited.

i'm probably gonna actually pretend like i have a life, and go out and hang with my friends tomorrow. so, you won't see me much on here. even though at the end of the day i'll be blogging about it. curse this stupid computer.

well i'm off to watch jimmy kimell. goodnight.
(:

:/

i'm never happy anymore. i don't know what wrong with me, but i really hate it. maybe its love that's making me hurt. maybe it's my family. maybe it's me. all i know is that i can't figure it out, and i'm so confused and hurting right now that i simply can't be happy.

here i am.

gosh dang, i am REALLY bad with keeping up with this thing.

im my last post i told i would tell you about my first day of school. what, i'm like two weeks in now, bahaha. yeah, WHATEVERRR. highschools pretty chill. VERY hectic and too much homework, but a lot less troublesome. you know considering i get like ignored by uperclassmen, i haven't been shoved in a locker or beaten to death because i'm freshmeat. haha. that never really does happen in highschool does it?

the only suckish thing is that i've been coming home exhausted and with huge headaches. maybe its just the fact that "tom" will be visiting soon, haha. but yeah, i've been drinking a lot of water. helps me stay awake. water has always made me hyper. don't ask me how, because i really don't know.

i went to see the sisterhood of the traveling pants on monday? maybe it was sunday............yeah, it was sunday. i went with sheri and my mommy. the movie was amazing, but i would have rather seen the rocker. hahaha.

well, i have to get my buttload of homework done. i guess i'll write when i remember again. hahahaha.

-jessie <3

wow, it's been a while.

yeah try like FOREVER. haha.

i never even wrote about the concert.
to sum it up; best night of my fourteen year old life.

bahaha, so school starts tomorrow.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
yeah; i'm not ready to be a freshman.

i'm probably headed off to be in about and hour.
so i'm gonna get off for now.

i'll write tomorrow about how school went.

-jessie <3

finally back.

im homeeeee.
:D

and to make things EVEN better.
MY JONAS BROTHERS CONCERT IS TOMRROW!
ahhh, i'm like totally spazzing.
:]

well, i'll lay down my vaca for ya.

sunday; my brotha came down and chilled with us for the day. we went tubing and swimming and then we just talked.

monday; we had nothing to do, and it was supposed to rain, so we went to see journey to the center of the earth 3D. sweetsweet movie. :D

tuesday; keith came back, WITH TRENTON! ahhh, omg, he's the cutest thing ever. NO LIE. and sue and her kids came to swim. poor lisa cut her head open and had to get stitches.

wednesday; BOSTON BABY!

thurday; spent the day with my G-MA. :D

friday; hampton beach. which was probably the best day of the whole week. :D

yeah.
now im off to bed, because i was just in a car for 15 hours, and i am SUPER cranky.
bahaha.
goodnight.

-jessie <3

WHA-BAM, SHABAMMM.

holy mother of pickles.

so i spent all day today in BOSTONNNNNN! seriously, the coolest city EVER. so it was the first time i'd ever been there. and I GOT TO TOUCH FENWAY PARKKKK! XD yeahyeah, don't get to jealous. haha.

lets seee, we went to the boston museum of fine arts. SNORE FEST. i can't walk around an art museum, i really can't. then we took the "T" into government center. from there we went to Qksdflkju something. i don't remember. it's the big shopping center. lmao. got some food, a shirt and some sunglasses, even though i didn't see the sun once the whole time we were there.

then it was AQUARIUM TIME! holy snap, i love aquariums. i love fishies. mother wont let me have one. grrrrr. but it was sooo cool. :D then after that we went to see fenway!

i could not have spazzed any more than i did when i saw the place. (fyi. the red sox are my life) then i touched the outside of it. :DDDDDD hahaha. it was AWESOME! plus the huge citgo sign. i never thought i would see it. it is BIGGGGG!

haha, well im out, my feet hurt. XD

-jessie <3

massachusetts, baby!

shit, i wrote a buch, and just earsed it all.
:/

i'll write tomorrow, when im not so tired.
goodnight.

-jessie <3

myspace is so over-rated.

yeah, so i've come to hate myspace blogs. and i figured i would use this more. kind of like my personal little thing, so i dont have to interject it with my fanfics. :D so yeah, i'll post more when i feel like it! haha :]

-jessie <3